I've been thinking about something that happened a while ago.
Should Gays be Allowed to Marry came up on the news.
In front of my mom.
Who then proceeded to go on a religious rant on why they shouldn't.
And today, she went on a rant about my cousin, who got married today.
She got married to a man who isn't a Christian, and who's family isn't Christian.
They didn't have their wedding at a church, and it wasn't a pastor who married them.
It was then I realized something.
She would never truly accept me.
I don't really understand why I should marry in this day and age.
Why waste so much money on something that will most likely last about five years?
So I'd rather not be married.
Sure, I may have a significant other, but I don't want to get married.
I'm scared to have kids because I don't want them to grow up in this shitty world.
I don't want to see their every hope and dream crushed.
I don't want to see the innocence and happiness fade from their eyes, only to be replaced with bitterness, sorrow, and emptiness.
I don't want them to be broken into pieces, and I don't want to see them stubbornly trying to fix themselves on their own, refusing help until it's too late.
I don't want them to become me.
However, my mother wants grandkids.
Especially a grandson.
My sexual orientation is undecided, so what if I end up loving someone of the same sex as me?
What if they love me back?
I could never put anyone through hell with me, even if I did love them so much that it hurt to think of a life without them.
And I can't just turn my back on my mom.
She's sacrificed more than I would ever care to, for me.
Even though that's what a mother should do anyways.
I'm torn between what I want, and what my mom wants.
And I know many would say, "It's your life! Not hers!" or, "You shouldn't let her control your life!" and, "Don't let anything stand in the way of your happiness!"
But I just...I can't.
All my life, I've tried to make my family proud of me.
I've tried to be worth something to them.
I've messed up a lot, and I'm not sure if all the things I've done for them is enough.
Enough to pay for what I want.
After all, I'm selfish enough as it is.
It would be considered wrong by many to believe that I deserve what I want, and that I should get what I want.